A mate She sought in He.

I was chatting last night with someone who has a poetic strand in her DNA. Well she inspired me to explore my hidden talents.
So here's my attempt,

A mate She sought in He.

Two parts of stone, never meant to be,
Like bricks like clay, lay astrayed indeed.

Two hearts two souls, too much too soon,
Crushed to pieces, all set to doom.

One ring one touch, one hope she sought.
A parting letter was all she got.

She cried all night, and then all day.
Little she knew, he'd end up gay.

Oh, Come on!! Like you could have resisted that ending.

It's better to burn cut out, than to fade fall away..

And it was that time of the month again, hair combing minutes featuring in the late 20's, spray's, gels, conditioners, shampoos taking most of my research allowance, a good snow day ending up looking like a bad case of dandruff. Measures have to be taken my friend, and a hair cut it was.

With my experiences as a civilized being ( inspite of what other seem to think ) i have taken the privilege of getting many a cut, and some might think that with this kind of experience i'd be good at it by now. We'll have to wait and find out.

Going to a trendy hair salon, trendy enough that they have a computer to store all customer details like preferred style I am asked if i have a booking. Being the in-the-moment kinda person, I just roll my eyes(almost) at the thought that I would need to make a reservation for a haircut, then remembering that my future look and any chance for holy matrimony would be determined by the next few moments of behavioral patterns, i change my eye-roll to a look up and wonder pose.

Lucky for me the person scheduled for 6pm didn't turn up, so in the chair, the stylist glances over the computer and says "The usual huh?".

People think i am way too predictable, like they think that when i say i'll be ready in 15 min, i actually take 45, or the way the cafeteria's chef starts making my order before i've placed it. So wanting to turn into a new leaf, i say something incoherent that sounded more or less like "surprise me!".

I then realized that 'surprise' is quite a relative term, while i might have meant, surprise me in the "Oh my god, wow" my-heart-skipped-a-beat way, i probably never bargained for "OH MY -beep- GOD, What the -beep-?, are you a -beeping- intern here?" heart-stopping way.

Anyway, after a lot of gel and some nice sprays i left, head held high.

Cause any lower and I could have gotten arrested for carrying an assault weapon, the spikes looked dangerous.

"And this is how Uncle G.W got the spikes" is what my friends would tell their kids, showing snaps. Naa, thats not happening, so before that nights party, i used two layers of gel and sprays to get the monster down.

Fact is a grad students budget for hair gel is far far lower than a hair salon's ( with computers to record hair style preferences ), and i obviously don't have to explain my smart readers about spring actions ( not smart? read appendix B ). So halfway through the party, the salons gel won.
Many a person complimented me on my shoes ( which incidentally went unnoticed for a week prior).
Guess we can attribute it to hair, it shifts focus to the farthest point possible.
Come to think of it, its not that bad, but still no, No pictures! Next time i'll stick to the 'usual', which in the stupid computer would now read SPIKES.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

Okay, ages back when the sun was in its dwarf stage and the people were friendly and the food was good I did an experiment with the one tool i have which is properly insured, me.

To catch up if you missed the first part, click "Das Experiment".

Formula used ( umm, made up ) –

Accuracy value = No of correct questions answered correctly * 2.46 + 0.345

Time value = Actual time taken for 10 questions in minutes

Brain value = ( ( accuracy value ) / ( time value ) ) * 82.34

Brain power = (Brain value / Initial brain value ) taken on a scale of 10

Exceptions –

As a “normal” human, the body does need some minimum rest, so tabulate the hours slept, and subtract the value from total awake hours.

Graphs and plots –

Observations -

I spent over 4 days without sleep (well basically very little sleep) with more than 75% of accuracy levels than my initial start. It did go down in the middle ( day three ) but I did sleep longer then ( 3 hours ) and was back up to full potential.

Surprising how versatile the human body is.

So what did happen in those 90 odd hours without sleep ( <>

1. I stalled my car in the middle of the road and a motorist rammed into my car.

2. I paid 900 Rs to this guy I owed 853 rupees, he asked for 3 rs change, I said I didn’t have. But I did have a 50 Rs note, I gave him that and took 3 rs from him.

Honestly, I didn’t realize this till hours later in office, trust me, the weird looks he gave me also didn’t give me any clues.

3. I got lost near my house, inspite of living there for 2 years.

4. I was deciding whether to take a left turn into a parking lot or go on straight, and I couldn’t decide quickly enough, lets just say, that’s one hit and run case I want to forget fast. ( to be completely honest, that was a white car, and I barely scraped it, I mean compared to the scratch on my car the one on that car was nothing )

5. I bought my friends lunch ( expensive ) for no reason.

6. I hit a pole with my car.

7. I was genuinely worried for no apparent reason.

8. I made good friends with people on the night shift..

9. Amazingly no bugs at work during the experiment stages, come to think of it, I don’t know what I did.

90 odd hours awake, long lasting friendships, remarkable brain power... Apart from the three car accidents I had, and the experiment costs(in coffees, lunch and stupid calculations) going way above expected, I present you with the results…

Results –

I am smart, you probably aren't. Have a great day.

Oh and don’t try this at home.

And I haven’t touched my car ever since.

Don’t tell anyone this, it was my dad’s car, and he’s not in station. Yet another reason to write anonymously.

Golden Words

Proficiency at Pool depicts a wasted childhood.

Or that’s what every one of my dad’s friends used to say to me when I used to beat them 5 frames in a row, I often wanted to say “Lucky for me, I was good when I was a child as well”… This generally used to make me think, elders are such sore losers. They just couldn’t take the fact that a kid beat them. Let alone clobber them left right and upside down. The only thing worse than losing to a kid is losing to a kid and tripping over the bottle of beer and ending up screaming ‘This isn’t over’ while the wife takes you away to the rest room to wash the bleeding nose.

“Maybe I can beat the brat at Chess” he says, “ I mean how smart can he be” .

“Would you just let it go, now look up else you will spoil your new shirt with blood stains”

You wouldn’t know how much fun it is beating a drunk at a game of chess. And little did he know that I was junior school champ at chess. Well it wasn’t a formal event, people just started calling me that when I beat my 7^th grade math teacher 3 times in a row. And she claimed to be a “State Champion”. Suddenly the day after the ‘defeat’ she took maternity leave. And although she was fat, I couldn’t have sworn she wasn’t pregnant.

More than the joy of winning is the fun at recollecting the excuses people come up with after losing to a kid,

“ I had something on my mind” “Hey, you cheated” “I wasn’t wearing my glasses” “No one makes money winning a stupid game of chess” “I couldn’t see the ball” “Its getting dark” “I think you should spend more time studying” “I let you win”

“hey” says the wife “how’s the game going, you guys done?”

“yes honey, can we have lunch yet, or are you going to nag us with your questions, what do you know about snooker anyway”

“Okay ok, I get it,” she says with a wink towards me “who lost? “

“Its me ok, I lost, happy, now bring out the damn grub”

“Its I” I corrected.

Big mistake, I stopped playing with ‘elders’ after one such conversation

I Love Formatting My Comp - The Book, is currently on hold till i get things straightened out and till more interesting things happen in my boring life.

Don't judge a book by its movie...

I Love Formatting My Comp

The book, coming soon.. for more information visit www.iloveformattingmycomp.com

p.s - Updates on this blog will be discontinued till the book is out...

Golden Words - The Writer.
www.iloveformattingmycomp.com - The Book.
iloveformattingmycomp.blogspot.com - The Blog.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

As usual, I was up to no good, too much free time and the devils workshop in action, I decided to conduct this experiment.
Since I didn’t want to waste any of my ‘hard’ earned money and buy expensive props for an experiment, I chose to run experiments on the one thing I ‘got’ for free,

The experiment began on a cold winter morning, come to think of it, it wasn’t that cold, but a warm summer day makes me picture nice beaches and the closest beach from where I am is about a nights’ journey away. And that is always a depressing thought.
The experiment is quite simple,

Thesis – I can stay awake for a long period of time with minimal sleep and low loss of mental power.

Requirements - A set of mathematical questions, a stop clock, Graph plotter loads of coffee and good company.

Assumptions –
1. I have an initial mental power.

Procedure –
1. Solve a set of 10 mathematical questions taken randomly from a pool of many questions. Note the exact time taken and the accuracy of the answers. Enter this data into the plotter ( I used a pirated version of offi¢e* )
* This is a low cost experiment remember?
2. Keep repeating this every two hours and tabulate the results.
3. Record unusual happenings during the experiment for further analysis.
4. Create a fictitious formula for calculations, as any experiment that doesn’t involve the use of your scientific calculator is, well, time wasted.
5. When brain power falls to 75% of initial power, stop the experiment.
6. Show off to your friends how long you can stay awake without having to sleep like general humans.


Part 2 ... coming soon. real soon....

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

I don’t generally dedicate my posts to something/someone. But in the view of Oscar fever and the dedication cliché I am gonna do just that. For those who are planning to own a cell phone, or those who already do, or those who have my cell number. This post is for you.

As long as we are talking about cell phones, I bought a new one; it’s called the 2040i by Fly. I could put up images of the cell or provide you links of the specs but it will make u feel miserable about the cordless equipment you hold and call a Mobile. And being such a nice person I just can’t do that. But just so you have some mental picture, this is like the new I-Phone by Apple, only cheaper and lesser features.

Now back to the dedicated post, well I stopped(well reduced usage at least) using my cell phone lately, that means no ‘chatting’ , no ‘unnecessary calls’ and other things college kids do with their cells, you might ask me why, well I guess that’s the price you pay for maturity.

Unfortunately, people don’t seem to understand, so read the top 13 things not to do with your phone if you have my number on it! Yes, I said 13.

I have used “I” and “Me” in the points, but I guess most of the points are applicable to every cell user annoyed with the lack of etiquette of others when it comes to using a phone.

I wouldn’t go through the points like “keep your cell in silent when in public” and other points like these, cause you all are a bunch of morons and will never learn, and an article on the net won’t help either. So these are personal points related to me. While reading few points you might think, “OMG, G.W is talking about me”, well, No. Get real, I wouldn’t waste an entire point writing just about you.

13. Avoid sms lingo when messaging me, its not like I don’t understand, I am one of the pioneers of that language, but have grown since. Also very common short hands like gr8 are still ok, what is not ok is this “ I hd a gd tme in drgl, gt bk tda mrng, cl me whn u fre”

12. Avoid all forwards, I don’t mind the really really funny ones, but if its that funny, I probably would have read it elsewhere. Additionally don’t copy the “sms of the day” in the newspaper and send it, we all can read Bangalore times. Also avoid messages in other languages, I can read and understand many languages but I prefer English.

11. Messages like “you haven’t called in a long time” , “when will we speak next” , “you haven’t messaged me in such a long time” “where have you been all this while, no calls, no msgs” , “you don’t call me anymore” etc make you seem really needy, you don’t need friends but therapy.

10. Don’t send me messages like ‘good morning’ ‘good night’, if it has to be a good morning, it will be, with or without your message. Moreover sending a message at 3Am wishing me good night isn’t going to make me like you at all.

9. If you have sent me any variation of the following message
“Hi , xyz here, this is my new number…”
and you haven’t received any confirmation of any sorts from me, chances are, I don’t care about your new number. Remember this point when you change you number again.
p.s as an added thing, please refer points 10 and 11.

8. I eat when I want to, I drink when I want to, avoid messages like “had dinner?” or “had lunch?”.
Additionally for people really concerned with my eating habits, I don’t eat breakfast; I eat lunch at office at about 12, snacks at about 5:30 and dinner by 8. Memorize this, just for memory sake, let’s go through that again. Come on, repeat after me. No breakfast, lunch at 12, snacks at 5:30, dinner by 8.

7. I sleep at odd hours, avoid messages like “awake?”
If someone ‘had’ to know I was awake, they would already do so. Moreover, even if I ‘am’ awake, I generally don’t reply to such messages.

6. If you hadn’t received a reply for the “awake?” message immediately, I would generally return the message in the morning (courtesy sake). If you haven’t got any such messages, chances are I forgot/don’t care. Either way, when I meet/msg/talk to you next, don’t bring it up. It would lead to an uncomfortable situation.

5. If I call you and you have some weird caller tune which I don’t like, I WILL disconnect. If you love that song/tune so much, set it as you Ring tone, don’t bug your callers with that.

4. Don’t give missed calls expecting a call back, if you are that cheap/stingy I much rather not talk to you.

p.s this does not apply to students and other non-earning cell owners.

3. If you are partying and having a great time getting drunk, enjoy and live the moment, don’t call me trying to prove what a wonderful life you are leading or what a party animal you really are. Fact is I’ve been there, done that. And frankly I dislike the ‘wannabe’ kinds. You can’t act cool, you are born with it.

2. I have a modern cell phone and it has an answering machine on that, I use it to screen calls and avoid talking to people I don’t feel like at the moment. So when my voice on the cell says “Leave a message after the beep”, just leave a damn message.

Also once if you have called and left a message, and I haven’t gotten back to you, I am probably busy and have higher priorities in life. ( Yes remember, No breakfast, lunch at 12, snacks at 5:30, dinner by 8 ?? ) Don’t call back!

1. The cell phone is for my convenience and not yours; I didn’t buy a cell so that ‘you’ can reach me anytime of the day. As the tag line of iloveformattingmycomp goes, don’t say anything, if you can’t improve on the silence..