Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Dating Etiquette For Women

In this day and age of women trying to be equal and bringing their wallets(or purses/handbags to be politically correct) on dates pretending to open it wanting to pay, when the check(or cheque which ever you prefer) arrives, only to hate the guy when he accepts the offer of going dutch, people (read as women) are forgetting the basic etiquette of dating and not to forget table manners. I hope to enlighten you all on the various points you have forgotten, or the media has made it seem a taboo.

The first and most important thing one needs to understand is that, if a guy pays for drinks and you sleep with him, it’s technically not prostitution.

Now that we have that covered, lets move on.

Lets all agree to one thing, being chivalrous is the name of the game, you pull up the chair, you open the door, you be nice to the waiter and more often than not you’ll be back at the same place celebrating your 1st anniversary. So just because it is good on a mans part to do all of these things, women shouldn’t just expect it. I remember having dinner with my other half ( I refrain from using the “better” word ), I was seated comfortably with the menu in my hands and she still standing over me, looking sternly at the chair opposite me. As if it would magically move back to allow her sit. To everyone’s surprise, it did. Now I am sure you wouldn’t believe in magical powers, but if you have long legs, you could pull a magic trick or two.

Since everyone has such low attention spans nowadays, instead of giving you para after para of manners and general behavioral guidelines, I will break this down into simple bullet points.

- Thank the guy for picking you up. Yes, he wants to sleep with you. Yes, he’ll do anything. But still, he’s not your driver.

- Do not constantly look at your watch. We all lead busy lives, but unless your husband is supposed to be home shortly, you have no excuse to look at your watch.

- Do not pick calls. Leave that cell in silent mode in your bag. The cell phone is for your convenience and not for the person trying to reach you. If its an emergency, they’ll call 911 (or 100 or similar other numbers depending on which country you are in)

- Do not excuse yourself to the ladies room unless you really have to go. It’s annoying and men just assume you are vomiting in there.

- Do not talk about your ex’s. Yes, you might be popular but no one needs to know which famous person you banged (in loss for a better word) previously. On a similar note, no one wants to hear you go on and on about your family, especially on the first few dates.

- Do not complain about food. Especially if he chose the place. You have a right to give constructive feedback, but do not insult his judgment.

- If the guy asked you out, let him pay. Guys love it. If you are feeling the pressure about not being able to pee standing up, then invite him out for the next time and make it clear that you are paying for this one.

- I am not sure how this one got forgotten, but yes, do not talk with your mouth full. Even if it’s your 16th date.

- Do NOT EAT MY FOOD! I know it sounds a bit paranoid, but if i am paying $16 for a meal and those fancy restaurants give exactly 5 spoonfuls, I will hate you (and your mother too) if you eat from my plate.

- Thank the guy for asking you out, and for paying the bill

- If you had a good time, mention it. And if you did not, tell that too. Everyone hates a maybe.

- Lets face it, men have boring jobs. You will be really lucky if you are dating a painter or a musician. And even if you are, he probably will be broke. More often than not, you’d be stuck with some software guy or some number guy. Neither job is interesting. And if you cant stop yourself from yawing for at least 10 minutes, do not ask the guy about his job.

- Always go to a second location, this one works very well personally. If you are having dinner or just drinks, make it a point to go to a different location, it changes the mood and atmosphere. You can go for a movie, coffee or your place.

- Sleep with him. He paid for your meal, it’s the least you can do.

And don't forget bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date.

It’s simple, if it jiggles, it’s fat!

This post is dedicated to all people overweight and above the national average weight.

I was reading a report recently on your average news websites. I came across this article suggesting that 85% of the people in US are above the average weight limit. And I went like, eh??

One thing I really do not understand is how an entire nation can be above the average limit. Wouldn’t the fat people, or the gravitationally challenged if you prefer to be politically correct, bring up the average and automatically make them in tune with the nations average?

If you are, like most other readers who actually paid money for this book, stupid and mathematically dysfunctional, please use your favorite search engine to look up on how averages work. If you still haven’t figured it out, send me an Email and I'd be happy to sign you up for all the affiliate deals I can cook up.

I live in a nation obsessed with weight. Weight and sex that is. Its so obsessed that even the spam is directly related. Reduce weight, Increase size and thats it. I get mails to make my waist line go thinner and some other parts thicker. It’s only a matter of time till someone comes up with a way to redirect my stomach fat at appropriate places..

I have a great diet. You’re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. Always worked wonders at my family reunions. So in this age when 342432 is just a code for a sexy body and not the UN’s code for global food deficit.

Anyway, just because today is National Fat People Day. (umm, every day is. in a strange way) I am dedicating this entire article to FAT people. The really huge kinds. Following are 10 of the many reasons why being Fat rocks. Hope this list justifies the tasty chicken curry you have been having for the past one hour.

10. Fat people are hard to kidnap. I’ve never seen someone go on the news after their release saying, ‘I was held captive for 63 days, i lost 125 Pounds, never felt better, but the most important thing is, I respect my body now and with self discipline I can continue what I did for those 63 great days.

9. Fat folks barely get sexually assaulted. Don't believe me? Go read your newspapers.

8. Fat people save more money, think of all the expensive gym memberships and the controlled, vitamin balanced diet of their thin counterparts.

7. Fat people always get the bigger piece of the pie or cake at parties and other social gatherings. No questions asked.

6. You can walk around in a hurricane.

5. Your jokes are funnier, I mean comeon, no one expects anything good from you, so when you deliver, Bang! Life of the party.

4. If you do get ‘lucky’, then you’d probably be at the bottom, hence requiring you to do much less work.

3. Always warm, those layers of fat act as good insulation. Not to mention the surviving capabilities go exponentially up with every pound of weight you amass.

2. You can get away wearing anything you please. No one looks at a fat woman and goes, would you look at what she’s wearing? Expectations are way low on the fashion side, so a cloth to cover the unmentionalbles would just do fine.

1. Fat people are trustworthy. They have no reason to lie. They know that they probably wont end up with you tonight, so its truth all the way.

So there goes it, hope I have helped you kick that tasteless all fiber diet out of the window. Here’s hoping for the best water spashes in you pool and all the comfy 2 person seats on busses and trains just for you alone.

Happy ‘I-am-fat-So-what?’ Day.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

After months of rumors and speculations, the company I work (or pretend to work) for has finally decided the cafe is over crowded and the wait unbearable for any hungry engineer. Thus they formally announced the most logical solution, a 10% reduction in staff.
Few analysts and industry experts (you know, the kinds who wake up in their leopard skin robes with a pipe in their mouth, a coffee in one hand and the Wall St paper in the other ) say the economy and profit margins was a big factor, but all the employees know it, its those bloody lines.

Since this was a gradual process and every relatively smart engineer (an oxymoron some might say) deduced this fact way before the announcement and almost everyone has come in terms with it. Me, well I wake up in my sleep screaming, realizing I haven't slept yet. Stress aside, i feel every one in these situations must accept reality and develop scripts that will auto delete all your work. Since I'm not that negative and for the fact that I haven't done anything for me to delete, I've decided to utilize this time at work to update my blog.

Speculation is at an all time high, will they let go people with lot of experience (hence with higher salary) or those newly joined (and thus a lesser severance package). Will they let go senior management thereby reducing the layers in management, or will they let go the folks who actually do real work. Will they let go people who update their blogs during company time (A great reason to write anonymously) or those who short sell the company stocks based on insider information. In all this mess I've figured out the only way to laugh about it, figuring out innovative ways a company can layoff its employees. I know I should have written this earlier so companies, at the start of this recession,could have used my methodologies to make the experience a memorable one for everyone. Well this recession is far from over, so here goes the 'Top 10 ways to layoff an employee"

10 - Step forward : The manager makes everyone stand in a straight line. Bouncers from a local pub are behind each employee holding them tight. Once the manager says start, the employees, who in 1 minute, can struggle and take one step forward have their jobs, the remaining are laid off. This way the determined and strong ones are retained and employees who are weak get laid off and at least get a really long hug in the process. If the required number of employees aren't stuck in the bouncers arms, then this process is repeated after a shot of vodka.

9 - Bachelor Style Rose ceremony : This one's simple and dramatic, managers are given a bunch of roses, a few less than the total number of team members. At the end of the ceremony those left out without a rose are laid off.

8 - Relocation : Shift your company to a totally new, unknown location. Leave a hidden treasure sorta map with all employees with clues at various other locations. Those who make it to your new location are smart and worthy enough to work, the rest are laid off. If laying off more than 50% of the staff, then a clue to a foreign location is a must.

7 - Junkyard wars : All employees are taken to a junkyard. All of HR is split as captains. Each captain then selects one employee each (thereby determining the HR's selection process). This person , the manager, then selects his team lead and team members (With help from the captain). The divided teams consisting of HR,engineers, quality engineers managers, team lead etc are asked to make a robot using materials available in the junk yard. The employees use their skill to make robots that compete in a 'till destroyed/immobile' robot war competition. Managers can have meetings with other managers to determine rules for fair play and to exchange resources. The matches are set up randomly and are elimination based. When the desired number of teams are eliminated/laid off, the remaining will form a stronger company. (with stronger HR, better management and excellent engineers)

6 - Layoff by explosion: Hire external consultants to inject bugs in your products which cause them to explode randomly. Give each employee a sample product and the source code. Everyone is given one day to debug the code and to flash the new software onto the product. Everyone meets up the next day and switches on their product. Ones that have isolated and corrected the bug are fine. The rest, well they get laid (off) in peace.

5 - Fire alarm : Switch on the fire alarm. After 5 minutes of it being on, make rounds of the building to look for employees who are so dedicated that the fear of being burnt alive is not enough to get them to stop working. Promote these employees, layoff the rest. If you really have to find gems in your company, pour fuel over few walls and create a real fire.

4 - Layoffs by meetings : Schedule random meetings throughout the month using great keywords. Make sure these meetings are optional and cover an employees calender for the whole month. After receiving 'acceptance' notices, layoff those with the highest number of acceptance, there by showing they have no work.

3 - Farmville photos : Give employees one day and ask them to post photos of their farmville farm on the company intranet website. Those with the best and most developed farm obviously have been playing from much before and most likely during office hours. They need to be eliminated. (p.s I hate farmville and people who play it ). If your company has blocked facebook and employees still manage to get the images of their farm during office hours, they need to be fired for using proxy servers and thereby violating company policies and thus saving you their severance package moolah.

2 - As soon as an employee enters the building, he/she is escorted by security to the manger. The manager delivers the news, and the employee is asked to leave immediately.Their login ids and security badges don't work anymore. Their belongings can be collected under the watchful eye of the security or they are shipped to them.
I know what you are thinking, GW, this is how almost all companies are doing it.. Well, that's called being popular dear friend.

And the best one yet, my favorite way for a company to layoff an employee...

1 - Survivor style tribal council - Notify every employee that there will be a 'tribal council' meeting the next day and that someone will go home. Employees on that day will frantically run around trying to make alliances. They will plot blindsides and look for immunity idols(which are hidden by VP's and can prevent the employee holding one from getting laid off). On the day of the tribal council , employees gather around with their laptops. Each one defends themselves and suggests who goes home, the manager will try to get juicy details from the employees as other teams watch on. Everyone votes, and the person receiving the highest number of votes gets laid off. And the manager presses the power button of their laptop for 5 seconds for the hardware shutdown, cause in this day and age, computing power represents life.


[have a fun way to layoff someone? Or your dream layoff scenario, comment away.]

We're obviously going to spend a lot in marketing because we think the product sells itself.

I wonder what’s more annoying, the endless rumor articles on the Apple tablet or the endless articles on why the rumors are true/false. Obviously Apple's marketing department is amazing, they make you believe that mac owners are superior and that your life's incomplete not owning an iPhone (do notice how many grammatical errors exist in this article but all iPhones have a small i and a capital P ) . Heck they made me buy an iPhone, and you know the worst part, I DO feel that my life would be incomplete without the phone. It's gotten so bad that I call out to my friends 'hey can you pass me the iPhone' rather than 'hey can you pass me the phone'.

I thought I was bad till I reached my friend (let’s call him AMV[Apple's marketing victim]) AMV's voice mailbox. This is what i heard "Hi, you've reached AMV's iPhone. I am currently not available, please leave a message on my iPhone and I'll get back to you as soon as possible". Needless to say, I have one friend less on facebook now.

To make matters worse, now I really want an apple tablet. No one outside of Cupertino knows what the device looks like, or if it even exists. But here I am, willing to even pre-order the device just so i get it the day it’s launched.

Thankfully, the event's on Wednesday, at least the rumors will stop after that. Only (and unfortunately) to be replaced with the 17 articles on why it is not a 'kindle killer' or the 14 articles on how it can change your life or the 198 Microsoft fans screaming ' it’s exactly like the surface, only portable' and that 1 article from the poor guy whose device always blows up and he's unable to change the battery.

I can see the day in the near future where youtube will be flooded with folks uploading videos of their 'unboxing' the tablet in a attempt to capture for eternity, the glorious event of removing tape and cutting open a cardboard box to reveal a device worthy enough for the gods.

Taking the rumored price into consideration and after reading the countless articles on the supposed device, I've deduced the following two features for the device.

- Able to cure severe diarrhea

- Replacement for the failed (so far) health care bill.

Spoiler alert : If you like the many need the excitement of the keynote to see the device for the first time, then you probably do not want to read ahead. The following section showcases a rare picture of the tablet, whose name is [removed due to legal reasons].

And for that 1 person still reading my blog, here's the real Apple Tablet.

Just like I said the yellow tablet to cure diarrhea and the apple to keep the doctors away.