Just one fray bit...

Woke up midnight by a startling sound  
Seems to me to be a piece of ground
Windows shattered I find out why
A piece of moon fallen from your sky
Reaching out still dull and grey
Reminds me that life's astray

Looking up i view the empty space
With the sparkling dots and the glazed haze
Wishing I aimed higher in this crazy maze
Shooting for stars not believing it
And now, all that's left is this broken bit. 

Turn it around to see it's mean dark side
A spot of glass with no where to hide
They say stars align to guide us somewhere
A bunch of dust,I doubt it cares

I look up and gaze the empty space
The sparkling dots and the glazed haze
Wish I fared better in this crazy maze
Forgetting stars and fighting my way
But all that's left is this savage flay

Woke up tonight by this startling noise
Seems to me to there's still a choice..

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Dating Etiquette For Women

In this day and age of women trying to be equal and bringing their wallets(or purses/handbags to be politically correct) on dates pretending to open it wanting to pay, when the check(or cheque which ever you prefer) arrives, only to hate the guy when he accepts the offer of going dutch, people (read as women) are forgetting the basic etiquette of dating and not to forget table manners. I hope to enlighten you all on the various points you have forgotten, or the media has made it seem a taboo.

The first and most important thing one needs to understand is that, if a guy pays for drinks and you sleep with him, it’s technically not prostitution.

Now that we have that covered, lets move on.

Lets all agree to one thing, being chivalrous is the name of the game, you pull up the chair, you open the door, you be nice to the waiter and more often than not you’ll be back at the same place celebrating your 1st anniversary. So just because it is good on a mans part to do all of these things, women shouldn’t just expect it. I remember having dinner with my other half ( I refrain from using the “better” word ), I was seated comfortably with the menu in my hands and she still standing over me, looking sternly at the chair opposite me. As if it would magically move back to allow her sit. To everyone’s surprise, it did. Now I am sure you wouldn’t believe in magical powers, but if you have long legs, you could pull a magic trick or two.

Since everyone has such low attention spans nowadays, instead of giving you para after para of manners and general behavioral guidelines, I will break this down into simple bullet points.

- Thank the guy for picking you up. Yes, he wants to sleep with you. Yes, he’ll do anything. But still, he’s not your driver.

- Do not constantly look at your watch. We all lead busy lives, but unless your husband is supposed to be home shortly, you have no excuse to look at your watch.

- Do not pick calls. Leave that cell in silent mode in your bag. The cell phone is for your convenience and not for the person trying to reach you. If its an emergency, they’ll call 911 (or 100 or similar other numbers depending on which country you are in)

- Do not excuse yourself to the ladies room unless you really have to go. It’s annoying and men just assume you are vomiting in there.

- Do not talk about your ex’s. Yes, you might be popular but no one needs to know which famous person you banged (in loss for a better word) previously. On a similar note, no one wants to hear you go on and on about your family, especially on the first few dates.

- Do not complain about food. Especially if he chose the place. You have a right to give constructive feedback, but do not insult his judgment.

- If the guy asked you out, let him pay. Guys love it. If you are feeling the pressure about not being able to pee standing up, then invite him out for the next time and make it clear that you are paying for this one.

- I am not sure how this one got forgotten, but yes, do not talk with your mouth full. Even if it’s your 16th date.

- Do NOT EAT MY FOOD! I know it sounds a bit paranoid, but if i am paying $16 for a meal and those fancy restaurants give exactly 5 spoonfuls, I will hate you (and your mother too) if you eat from my plate.

- Thank the guy for asking you out, and for paying the bill

- If you had a good time, mention it. And if you did not, tell that too. Everyone hates a maybe.

- Lets face it, men have boring jobs. You will be really lucky if you are dating a painter or a musician. And even if you are, he probably will be broke. More often than not, you’d be stuck with some software guy or some number guy. Neither job is interesting. And if you cant stop yourself from yawing for at least 10 minutes, do not ask the guy about his job.

- Always go to a second location, this one works very well personally. If you are having dinner or just drinks, make it a point to go to a different location, it changes the mood and atmosphere. You can go for a movie, coffee or your place.

- Sleep with him. He paid for your meal, it’s the least you can do.

And don't forget bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date.

It’s simple, if it jiggles, it’s fat!

This post is dedicated to all people overweight and above the national average weight.

I was reading a report recently on your average news websites. I came across this article suggesting that 85% of the people in US are above the average weight limit. And I went like, eh??

One thing I really do not understand is how an entire nation can be above the average limit. Wouldn’t the fat people, or the gravitationally challenged if you prefer to be politically correct, bring up the average and automatically make them in tune with the nations average?

If you are, like most other readers who actually paid money for this book, stupid and mathematically dysfunctional, please use your favorite search engine to look up on how averages work. If you still haven’t figured it out, send me an Email and I'd be happy to sign you up for all the affiliate deals I can cook up.

I live in a nation obsessed with weight. Weight and sex that is. Its so obsessed that even the spam is directly related. Reduce weight, Increase size and thats it. I get mails to make my waist line go thinner and some other parts thicker. It’s only a matter of time till someone comes up with a way to redirect my stomach fat at appropriate places..

I have a great diet. You’re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. Always worked wonders at my family reunions. So in this age when 342432 is just a code for a sexy body and not the UN’s code for global food deficit.

Anyway, just because today is National Fat People Day. (umm, every day is. in a strange way) I am dedicating this entire article to FAT people. The really huge kinds. Following are 10 of the many reasons why being Fat rocks. Hope this list justifies the tasty chicken curry you have been having for the past one hour.

10. Fat people are hard to kidnap. I’ve never seen someone go on the news after their release saying, ‘I was held captive for 63 days, i lost 125 Pounds, never felt better, but the most important thing is, I respect my body now and with self discipline I can continue what I did for those 63 great days.

9. Fat folks barely get sexually assaulted. Don't believe me? Go read your newspapers.

8. Fat people save more money, think of all the expensive gym memberships and the controlled, vitamin balanced diet of their thin counterparts.

7. Fat people always get the bigger piece of the pie or cake at parties and other social gatherings. No questions asked.

6. You can walk around in a hurricane.

5. Your jokes are funnier, I mean comeon, no one expects anything good from you, so when you deliver, Bang! Life of the party.

4. If you do get ‘lucky’, then you’d probably be at the bottom, hence requiring you to do much less work.

3. Always warm, those layers of fat act as good insulation. Not to mention the surviving capabilities go exponentially up with every pound of weight you amass.

2. You can get away wearing anything you please. No one looks at a fat woman and goes, would you look at what she’s wearing? Expectations are way low on the fashion side, so a cloth to cover the unmentionalbles would just do fine.

1. Fat people are trustworthy. They have no reason to lie. They know that they probably wont end up with you tonight, so its truth all the way.

So there goes it, hope I have helped you kick that tasteless all fiber diet out of the window. Here’s hoping for the best water spashes in you pool and all the comfy 2 person seats on busses and trains just for you alone.

Happy ‘I-am-fat-So-what?’ Day.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

After months of rumors and speculations, the company I work (or pretend to work) for has finally decided the cafe is over crowded and the wait unbearable for any hungry engineer. Thus they formally announced the most logical solution, a 10% reduction in staff.
Few analysts and industry experts (you know, the kinds who wake up in their leopard skin robes with a pipe in their mouth, a coffee in one hand and the Wall St paper in the other ) say the economy and profit margins was a big factor, but all the employees know it, its those bloody lines.

Since this was a gradual process and every relatively smart engineer (an oxymoron some might say) deduced this fact way before the announcement and almost everyone has come in terms with it. Me, well I wake up in my sleep screaming, realizing I haven't slept yet. Stress aside, i feel every one in these situations must accept reality and develop scripts that will auto delete all your work. Since I'm not that negative and for the fact that I haven't done anything for me to delete, I've decided to utilize this time at work to update my blog.

Speculation is at an all time high, will they let go people with lot of experience (hence with higher salary) or those newly joined (and thus a lesser severance package). Will they let go senior management thereby reducing the layers in management, or will they let go the folks who actually do real work. Will they let go people who update their blogs during company time (A great reason to write anonymously) or those who short sell the company stocks based on insider information. In all this mess I've figured out the only way to laugh about it, figuring out innovative ways a company can layoff its employees. I know I should have written this earlier so companies, at the start of this recession,could have used my methodologies to make the experience a memorable one for everyone. Well this recession is far from over, so here goes the 'Top 10 ways to layoff an employee"

10 - Step forward : The manager makes everyone stand in a straight line. Bouncers from a local pub are behind each employee holding them tight. Once the manager says start, the employees, who in 1 minute, can struggle and take one step forward have their jobs, the remaining are laid off. This way the determined and strong ones are retained and employees who are weak get laid off and at least get a really long hug in the process. If the required number of employees aren't stuck in the bouncers arms, then this process is repeated after a shot of vodka.

9 - Bachelor Style Rose ceremony : This one's simple and dramatic, managers are given a bunch of roses, a few less than the total number of team members. At the end of the ceremony those left out without a rose are laid off.

8 - Relocation : Shift your company to a totally new, unknown location. Leave a hidden treasure sorta map with all employees with clues at various other locations. Those who make it to your new location are smart and worthy enough to work, the rest are laid off. If laying off more than 50% of the staff, then a clue to a foreign location is a must.

7 - Junkyard wars : All employees are taken to a junkyard. All of HR is split as captains. Each captain then selects one employee each (thereby determining the HR's selection process). This person , the manager, then selects his team lead and team members (With help from the captain). The divided teams consisting of HR,engineers, quality engineers managers, team lead etc are asked to make a robot using materials available in the junk yard. The employees use their skill to make robots that compete in a 'till destroyed/immobile' robot war competition. Managers can have meetings with other managers to determine rules for fair play and to exchange resources. The matches are set up randomly and are elimination based. When the desired number of teams are eliminated/laid off, the remaining will form a stronger company. (with stronger HR, better management and excellent engineers)

6 - Layoff by explosion: Hire external consultants to inject bugs in your products which cause them to explode randomly. Give each employee a sample product and the source code. Everyone is given one day to debug the code and to flash the new software onto the product. Everyone meets up the next day and switches on their product. Ones that have isolated and corrected the bug are fine. The rest, well they get laid (off) in peace.

5 - Fire alarm : Switch on the fire alarm. After 5 minutes of it being on, make rounds of the building to look for employees who are so dedicated that the fear of being burnt alive is not enough to get them to stop working. Promote these employees, layoff the rest. If you really have to find gems in your company, pour fuel over few walls and create a real fire.

4 - Layoffs by meetings : Schedule random meetings throughout the month using great keywords. Make sure these meetings are optional and cover an employees calender for the whole month. After receiving 'acceptance' notices, layoff those with the highest number of acceptance, there by showing they have no work.

3 - Farmville photos : Give employees one day and ask them to post photos of their farmville farm on the company intranet website. Those with the best and most developed farm obviously have been playing from much before and most likely during office hours. They need to be eliminated. (p.s I hate farmville and people who play it ). If your company has blocked facebook and employees still manage to get the images of their farm during office hours, they need to be fired for using proxy servers and thereby violating company policies and thus saving you their severance package moolah.

2 - As soon as an employee enters the building, he/she is escorted by security to the manger. The manager delivers the news, and the employee is asked to leave immediately.Their login ids and security badges don't work anymore. Their belongings can be collected under the watchful eye of the security or they are shipped to them.
I know what you are thinking, GW, this is how almost all companies are doing it.. Well, that's called being popular dear friend.

And the best one yet, my favorite way for a company to layoff an employee...

1 - Survivor style tribal council - Notify every employee that there will be a 'tribal council' meeting the next day and that someone will go home. Employees on that day will frantically run around trying to make alliances. They will plot blindsides and look for immunity idols(which are hidden by VP's and can prevent the employee holding one from getting laid off). On the day of the tribal council , employees gather around with their laptops. Each one defends themselves and suggests who goes home, the manager will try to get juicy details from the employees as other teams watch on. Everyone votes, and the person receiving the highest number of votes gets laid off. And the manager presses the power button of their laptop for 5 seconds for the hardware shutdown, cause in this day and age, computing power represents life.


[have a fun way to layoff someone? Or your dream layoff scenario, comment away.]

We're obviously going to spend a lot in marketing because we think the product sells itself.

I wonder what’s more annoying, the endless rumor articles on the Apple tablet or the endless articles on why the rumors are true/false. Obviously Apple's marketing department is amazing, they make you believe that mac owners are superior and that your life's incomplete not owning an iPhone (do notice how many grammatical errors exist in this article but all iPhones have a small i and a capital P ) . Heck they made me buy an iPhone, and you know the worst part, I DO feel that my life would be incomplete without the phone. It's gotten so bad that I call out to my friends 'hey can you pass me the iPhone' rather than 'hey can you pass me the phone'.

I thought I was bad till I reached my friend (let’s call him AMV[Apple's marketing victim]) AMV's voice mailbox. This is what i heard "Hi, you've reached AMV's iPhone. I am currently not available, please leave a message on my iPhone and I'll get back to you as soon as possible". Needless to say, I have one friend less on facebook now.

To make matters worse, now I really want an apple tablet. No one outside of Cupertino knows what the device looks like, or if it even exists. But here I am, willing to even pre-order the device just so i get it the day it’s launched.

Thankfully, the event's on Wednesday, at least the rumors will stop after that. Only (and unfortunately) to be replaced with the 17 articles on why it is not a 'kindle killer' or the 14 articles on how it can change your life or the 198 Microsoft fans screaming ' it’s exactly like the surface, only portable' and that 1 article from the poor guy whose device always blows up and he's unable to change the battery.

I can see the day in the near future where youtube will be flooded with folks uploading videos of their 'unboxing' the tablet in a attempt to capture for eternity, the glorious event of removing tape and cutting open a cardboard box to reveal a device worthy enough for the gods.

Taking the rumored price into consideration and after reading the countless articles on the supposed device, I've deduced the following two features for the device.

- Able to cure severe diarrhea

- Replacement for the failed (so far) health care bill.

Spoiler alert : If you like the many need the excitement of the keynote to see the device for the first time, then you probably do not want to read ahead. The following section showcases a rare picture of the tablet, whose name is [removed due to legal reasons].

And for that 1 person still reading my blog, here's the real Apple Tablet.

Just like I said the yellow tablet to cure diarrhea and the apple to keep the doctors away.

I would rather exercise than read a newspaper.

News publishers here're some points to be noted..

1. For the last few weeks I've got "breaking news" about Endeavour's launch being delayed. The first day it was interesting, the second 'again?' and the third day it was like, alrighty enough. This is the 18th straight day you have updated my google news page with yet another delay about the launch. Here's the tip, we (your readers) will assume it is delayed indefinitely, till you actually update us telling us otherwise. Deal?

2. Its recession time, people lose jobs and everyone is aware of it. People[me included] are bugged reading yet another "well researched" report on why the stocks are tumbling, and how savings are becoming half.

3. Lets face it, bing is another search engine, yay. 400 reports on your site to tell me how bing is taking share away from google and yahoo just show you are on M$'s payroll. Henceforth, I refuse to google using bing.

4. I am not sure how you classify "Technology", but getting this [Cats Use "Irresistible" Purr-Whine to Get Their Way] news link in my technology RSS feed shows me either you are desperate to get whiny readers who own pussies or you need to fire your software engineer. Hey this way you can save the mandatory layoff money.

5. Less than 100 people are affected by swine flu, deal with it. If you aren't aware, more people have aids, some 100,000 times more. And more have cardiac problems. Keep things in perspective.

6. Before you advise me on stocks, whether to buy/long or sell/put, please disclose your/your company assets and stock holdings. A few pieces I've read have asked me to buy "hot" stocks. Many of which were smaller holdings of your parent company. Caught you.

7. Enough with the iPhone articles already. It's been 3 years already, and you people are still obsessing over "copy and paste". And wait, the compass. I have an iPhone and I haven't had one decent phone cal since. Portable hand held touch screen computer, yes, cell phone, no!

8. Twitter is stupid. And it isn't news (definitely not worthy of my 2 minutes to see and delete the link on my RSS feed) when a new celebrity starts twittering.

9. Stop obsessing over privacy issues, this is the 10th article this week about how my privacy is compromised if I eventually use Chrome OS. If you are that paranoid that google with use your browsing habits to take over the world, then please, google using bing. I rather see relevant ads than those that want to increase my "size".

10. Alright, enough with the teachers with students bit, that was so 2007. Jeez.

It’s not cheating unless you get caught.

I cheat. I was born that way, and I don't think there is any game that I cannot cheat in. It doesn't matter whether I am winning or losing, nor does it matter who I am playing against. Cheating is an art, it's skillful. After every game I do tell my opponents what I did and the look of amazement on their faces is my victory.

And no, I am not your average cheater, I set the bar high. Real high. For instance, if anyone had to cheat in a game of Pictionary what would they do? Common folk tend to whisper the answers to their teammates when no one is looking, or make some hand gestures to support their drawing. Not me. I take it two levels up.

Imaging this, I pick up a card, it's a very difficult word and you think neither can I draw it, nor can my team guess it. I start drawing some nonsense on the sheet and in 15 seconds flat my teammate has the answer. No words were spoken as you were keeping a strict eye on me and my mouth. So how exactly did I do it? Stay tuned…

Here's a few simple techniques to cheat at most games.

Most games have a sand clock to keep the time, well, after extensive research on the subject, I have concluded that keeping the sand clock on a flat surface will maximize the rate of flow, thereby giving the opponent the least time. Shaking, rotating and other movements will give them added time. So G.W how exactly do I cheat with the sand clock. Simple, before half the sand has fallen just rotate the sand clock. Thereby making time elapsed the new time left, hence robbing your opponents of valuable time.

The next technique requires an equally skilled cheater teammate. You need prior preparation, if you can't find a skilled cheater, then marry someone and train them properly. Marriage in this is important as you don't want your skills to go to the opponent team. Very rarely will your friends make you and your wife in different teams. All you need is code language for common things, for alphabets you can cough. For numbers you can sneeze. Once you coughed, a series of actions can determine the code word. Blinking (number of blinks), hand movements, times when you look up, look down etc etc can all mean something. You and your partner need to remember this. My code is this, cough-lookup-blinks gives alphabet in order. And cough-lookdown-blinks give alphabets in reverse order.
Now, if it's a game where you cannot talk, or a game where you cannot say particular words and there is no way you can complete it legally, cough, look up and do your thing. Though this technique was not developed for board games and was originally meant for mathematics and physics exams, but well we all adapt.

If there is a huge group playing a game and they have to guess something, and there's a lot of noise(due to random guessing by everyone). To win, simply announce(loudly) that [insert name here] said [insert word to be guessed] which is the correct word. 98% (not a made up figure) of the time [inserted name from above] will never confess that he did not say [that word]. For the 2% of the time, don't invite [inserted name] again. If [inserted name] is the host, make sure you are in the opposite team.

Trying to move your pieces in front in any board game is simple. But it is also the stupidest thing you can ever do. Opponents keep track of your progress like baby kangaroos on ice cream (Hey! I am a science major. Analogies aren't my thing). But what no one will argue with is you moving back a step or two. So if moving back can help you become a doctor in the game of life, and earn you children every time you pass the mating line. So be it. Not to mention finishing snake and ladders in 10 dice throws flat(didn't I mention I was a born cheater?).

I have never solved a Rubik's cube in my life. Not the way it was intended to be anyway. Though there are algorithms and tricks to solve it quick. I find my way to be the best. Break it apart and put it piece by piece in place.

There are so many tricks to cheat in card games that I can't do justice to them all by mentioning only a few here. But since I am not playing with you guys, I'll tell you what you should all be capable of. Pattern shuffling, Card deck memorization, Illegal dealings and so on.

Letting your opponents win: If you are so good at cheating that you can never lose, then no one would like to play with you. This is not good. So let others win too..

The best cheaters often have many tricks up their sleeves. A friend of mine was so good that he used to get scrabble alphabets from home and had them stored in his many pockets. Vowels in the left, high point letters in the right. Identifying such people is tricky, unless you start noticing two 'Z's and two 'X's on the board. Once you realize it, work hard to keep such people on your team. If that doesn't work, insist a strip search before playing. Hey what's a little nudity between friends?

But this is for amateurs; pro's like me use their strengths to better my game. For instance, once this certain someone was found keeping high point letters in his shirt pocket, all I needed to do was aim and drop a duplicate 'i' (don't you hate when you have 3-4 of them with you) into his shirt pocket and insist you threw a 'z' to keep him from [insert action here]. There's no way anyone will confess having additional alphabets, so the Z is all yours. Just in time for 'JAZY'.

As far as how I guessed the word, well, if you studied in a class where talking/texting was not permitted, then all you had was your cell in your pocket, communicating with the outside world with text messages typed with one hand while looking at the teacher..

If all the students who slept through lectures were laid end to end, they'd all be a lot more comfortable.

There comes a time in every grad student’s life; that they look back and wonder if they should have started their thesis a few months back. This more often than not happens during the few months before they hope to graduate. And this gentleman and ladies is my story.

There are many signs that you better get up from your lazy ass and start working before you get kicked out, or worse, lose your job offers because you can’t graduate. Well, since I have suffered already, I will save you all future agony of realizing things too late.

Just follow my point-guide system. (if you read cosmopolitan way too often for your gender, you'd know what to do). For those who don't, all you need to do is select an answer and then later sum up the number within brackets and read the section below the questions for interpretations.

- How good is your social life?

   - You can differentiate between Saturday and Tuesday just by looking out of your lab window (-4)

   - You talk to the occasional  opposite-sex person (0)

   - You tell them about your progress in your thesis (-1)

   - All local bouncers know your last name (+6)

- Can you play any musical instrument?

  - I designed one with a FPGA board, I can sorta play that (-8)

  - I know this person, who can play guitar (0)

  - I play 6 instruments, and sometimes with red bull, all at once. (+7)

- Do you know what the bell curve of grading is?

  - I am too busy submitting assignments and writing research proposals to care about that (-5)

  - I know what a bell is, and i also know what a curve is. Hence by rule of mathematical deductions, i know what a bell curve is (+2)

  - You kidding? I plot them on excel daily, to see the inverse slope and my standings in the class.(0)

- Describe your School newspaper

  - We have one? (-3)

  - Sorta in black and white (0)

  - Describe? I design it weekly, I am the chief editor and the best reporter they have. (+5)

- Have you travelled much?

   - Well, yeah, I find my way well to Starbucks and my lab. (-2)

   - Yup, few places close by, during fall and spring breaks. (0)

   - I have been to more cities here than my total number of credit hours (+5)

- What do you do for exercise?

   - Yeah, the occasional basketball to keep fit. (0)

   - Well, i run around trying to find my advisor. (-4)

   - Wii-fit for body, PSP for hands, guitar hero for abs, wii tennis for arms. (+5) 

- What websites do you visit frequently?

   - Weather ones, just to check if its too cold to walk back home. (-2)

   - Just my emails, to see if my advisor has mailed (0)

   - rentacoder .com to see if someone has placed a bid on my thesis project. (+5)

- How good is your cooking?

   - I can boil water  (-2)

   - I love take away food (0)

   - When my mom came to visit, she had tears of joy in her eyes to learn that I cook better than her (+10)

Ok, now that you have answered all questions, let me give you an easy way to interpret these results.

If your total is less than 0.

   - You have way too much time reading stupid articles online, you need to concentrate on your thesis.

If your total is 0.

  - This could be your total marks if you continue taking lame tests online.

If your total is greater than 0.

  - It's a wonder you took enough time to take this test, the same effort and time on your thesis will ensure you graduate.

As for me, 

   If your total is equal to 45 points.

      - You need to stop writing weird tests on your blog and get back to the real world and start working on your thesis.

There are two tragedies in life, neither one is love.

He wakes up in the hospital after a long night; unconscious, breathless, with tubes and needles covering him. He wakes up not knowing what happened, not knowing what lies in store for him. All he can see is her beautiful face, all he can feel is the warmth of her touch. His life ended the previous night, but a new one started this very day. A one starting with her and he only has her to thank for it.

I am not a good writer, so I’ll just steal lines from great ones. George Bernard Shaw once said “There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it.”

I had a tragedy, I had what I wanted and was going to lose it, in a matter of a breath; it’s absence. We all think about our final day in this world, what people would say about us. What they would feel after we’re gone. Would it matter to anyone? How many people have you touched on this planet, how many have you moved? Who touched you?

It’s funny how you remember the most silliest of things, and in a strange way, I guess that’s what matters. The way the cute girl from your fourth grade shared her lunch with you after the bullies put sand in yours or the way you find that secret letter written to you by the nerdy boy you like who didn’t have the courage to give it to you.

Life is full of surprises, some good and many you could live without: but that’s what life is, a rollercoaster you ride just once, never know what’s around that corner, but you are over excited and screaming to see and feel it. Sometimes you do get sick, sick of the ride and tired of that uneasiness in your stomach; and you just want to get off. But the truth is, you started this ride with many people on board and you are going to get off with them, together, like it or not. And that’s what keeps many going I guess, the fact that we are all in this together.

He holds her close, looks deep in her eyes filled with tears. He wants to say he’ll be there for her no matter what, no matter how nauseating the ride makes them. They paid for it, they are going to finish it together, with each other. He just stays quiet, looks deeper into her eyes, holds her hands and continue this rollercoaster ride…

If I would have ever got a chance to talk to George Bernard Shaw, I would correct him and tell him, the two real tragedies in life are people giving up on their hearts desires and people not knowing them.

I’m not a great writer, I just copy lines...

There are two tragedies in life, one is not knowing your hearts desires and the other is giving up on them.
G.

Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

People often ask me (ok, maybe not “often”) what I think the secret of life is. My reply as usual is in a short two word sentence, “Who cares”.

After a stern look they reply ‘I care’ and I’m back putting on my thinking cap wondering what they want to hear from me.

They generally ask when a boyfriend becomes an ex, or the expiry date on the milk carton shows that of last week. Expecting somehow, that I have been the chosen one to carry the secret of life along and that I am ready to share the secret with their dumped ass confused soul.

And here I was with my recent kiss with death (hmmm, smooch sounds more like it..) asking the same questions to myself. What is the secret of life?

Well, as the status message on my chat client reads ‘don’t worry about life, you’d be lucky to get out of it alive’ (ok, i lied again, i don't have cheezy status messages like that. All my status msgs are pimped to send viewers to my new websites) , I suppose that’s the bottom life, relax, take it easy and you’ll do just fine. Guess don’t let work affect your personal life comes a close second in the secret of life. A close second only to, at least have a personal life.

Till recently I was always worried about money and I soon realized, remembering the age old song, we’ve come to this world empty handed and we are gonna leave that way.

Donald Trump might beg to differ being buried with a $10,000 Armani suit and a Rolex watch and a few hundred dollar bills in each hand.  But I suppose he’s smart enough to remember Egyptians and grave robbers. If he doesn’t, well, show me where he’s resting in peace.

In the end, just remember, there is no secret to life, it becomes just what you plan to make of it. Though more often than not, that plan does not work out, but I won’t go into that now, there are a million self help books out there.

But people are not willing to believe that there’s no secret so in order to keep them satisfied with answers, I just repeat, taking a line from peanuts.

The secret to life is owning a convertible and a lake.

When it rains you are pissed that you can’t drive the car, but hey at least your lake is filling up. And when the sun is out shining brightly and drying your lake up, you see the silver lining and take your convertible out for a spin…

Hell was full i guess, so they sent me back..

Prologue:
"I am sorry to put you through this", "I really am".. saying these last few words, i collapsed on the the floor next to the Toyota rental vehicle.

Holidaying in Florida over the July 4th weekend, one would barely expect to die..
but if you are that allergic to prawns as i am, well, that is a harsh reality.. After a blast of a weekend parasailing, clubbing, playing Frisbee in the sea the last sunday, we went to a casino.. having never been to one, i was excited as a child on his first camping trip.. or a women's first love.
The casino was exciting, blackjack, roulette, poker. you name it, i lost money there..After a few hours on the floor, we were hungry and went to grab a bite. I ordered a chicken fried rice and general Tso's chicken from an Asian restaurant at the food court. After eating half i felt uneasy, i saw a prawn piece or two on the plate and then it struck me, they had given me prawn fried rice instead. Knowing what happens to me when i eat prawns, i started walking to the car, my condition becoming from bad to worse. My lungs swollen and wind pipe shut i couldn't breathe. I reached my car and my inhaler didn't seem to work.after over 40 puffs from it, my condition didn't improve a bit. I gave a friend the thumbs up to call for help. The feeling i had was the same as one would get if they held their breath for over 5 min, with no oxygen in my body, i felt faint, they say your life flashes in front of you the last moments you are alive, for me it just did that. Few moments long forgotten came back me me, i managed a smile to have lived a fuller life up till then. But i couldn't believe i wasn't in control at that moment. I felt sorry for what i was putting my friends through and what they had to go through after i was gone. I lost consciousness.
Still on the phone with 911 my friends were trying to direct they cops our exact location in the parking lot. I could barely hear what was going on, but i remember hearing stuff like open the back, switch on the light. Figuring out they couldn't find us in the huge parking lot, somehow in the lapse of any reasoning, not able to convey anything, i put my head on the car horn, And i don't remember anything since then.
What i gather from people around me was the cops were there a good  one minute after i was unconscious, and they put me to the floor and a couple of minute later the ambulance was here. My friends had given the exact problem over the phone with the female on the other side of the 911 call. They intubated me (put a tube down my throat, so that the blockage could be bypassed) and i was on artificial breathing whole night. I don't remember anything, but i can only imagine what people around me had to go through, seeing my hands tied to the bed a pipe through my mouth and no way to know if i would get up or have any permanent brain damage.
All i remember the next day was some one shouting out my name, telling me this would hurt just a little bit, when they removed that respirator from inside me, luckily for everyone around me, i started breathing normally, all i could muster asking was "where am i" and "how long was i here". The answers reminded me of the harsh reality of last night.
Having being so used to medications from India for my condition, i wasn't responding to any of the treatment they had in US. My heart kept going into Tacky each time they gave me the breathing medicines. I was fine from that morning. But trial and errors with the medicines were scaring me. And every doctor asking me if my family had heart issues wasn't helping any cause either.
She stood by me, for hours and hours, taking care of me, doing whats needed, i am only so grateful, cant even begin to tell her. From calling 911 to calling a nurse everytime my heart rate jumped above 165.
It was one hell of a night i guess for everyone. Lucky for me, i don't remember much. for those who remember, i guess, thanks doesn't begin to express my gratitude. From a phone call to an ambulance next to me taking 10 min, i suppose this system works, remind me next time not to crib about the taxes i pay here. Most of it ends in good hands.

Epilogue
Got discharged directly from the ICU on Tuesday, having being classified as a flight risk (cabin pressure might collapse my lungs) i am still stuck in Florida, but somehow the paper masala dosa i had yesterday, tasted like the best paper masala dosa out there...
I wonder if life will be any different now, apart from being extra extra careful about what goes into my mouth. Guess not everyone gets a second chance.

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.

Have been doing a lot of travelling lately, so its only fair that i write about it.And since lists are so popular nowadays, not to mention the space they take up because of tabbed bullet points, here goes one.

Top ten things that tell you that your flight is going to be a horrible one.

- You are allowed 2 bags of 23 Kgs each and you end with with 3 bags of 30
Kgs each.
- Your carry on baggage is heavier than you - you are 6.3
and the distance between the seats is 1 feet.
- The on board
entertainment system attached to your seat has malfunctioned and is stuck on a
language you dont understand.
- And on a channel you dont wanna see.
The channel was the on board information system. I mean who care if
you are flying sooo high and the temperature outside is soo low...
- Of
the 15 cute people on-board to serve you, you get served by the 16th.

- Your travel agent messed up and you end up eating a low fat - diet
meal. Basically a lettuce leaf with grated carrots.
- You plan great
things on your four hour stop over at Paris airport including getting lost at
their thousands of terminals and shops and having some good looking french
people help you out. You get off at terminal 17E and
your next flight takes off from 17F.
- You land and try to act really
suspicious so you could be strip-searched, adding a great article for your new
book. Custom officials done even look up to see you, inspite of you checking yes
on the 'Live Animals/insects?' box on the immigration form.
- Your connecting
flight is delayed because of bad weather( or a quick search for insects on-board
) and all the TV sets in the terminal are tuned to the weather channel. Thank
you, but I can see outside!!
- Your friends coax you into buying insurance
for lost baggage, and quote the increase in chances because of three bags and
multi-country destinations/transfers. Hoping for a quick thousand or two
(dollars) you anticipate few bags less at the baggage collection. First three
bags that come out are yours, red in color and tagged by your dads unique
ribbons ( which btw, every Indian dad had the idea before their sons/daughters
left for the land of opportunities )

Yeah Okay! I know thats 11 points, you can imagine the flight I had. Anyway, the drama didn't end there, try balancing three huge bags on a small luggage cart carrying a heavy backpack and a lonely planet USA book.

Some Study, Some Have Fun But People Like Me Are Born To Annoy The Hell Out Of Others.

Having come all the way to this far off land, having spent all of the money parents hoped to spend after retirement feeding the greedy funding-less professors and having wasted enough time in the lab doing research work for some moron who wouldn't add my name to the paper he is publishing based on my work I felt it was time to give some back to the society. And the easiest target was the Teaching Assistant of my Programming course.

These guys get paid like 12$ an hour, how would I know? I quit as a T.A before. Anyhow, if they were getting 12$ to grade my assignment, I sure as hell am not going to make it easy for them.

So I present to the world wide audience ( or the 2 people who actually read my webpage ) ,
Top Ten Ways To Really Piss Off Your Teaching Assistant.

10 . Write your code, then delete all enters and non required white spaces. Send the entire assignment in 1 huge line.

9. Write proper comments, in fact copy paste 90% of the man page( it's the help page ) of the function into the comments for each and every function you write. In fact write comments for braces, whitespaces and so on. Make sure you include the following comments as well.
\\ This is the start of the assignment, I am almost ready to write code. So here I go.

\\ This is the end of my program, and this is the last word I would type. Damn.

8. Write functions for every operation. And make sure you put them in a different file and include them in your main file. A simple program should consist of at least 50 submitted files each with their own .c .h and readme.txt files.

7. On graphical assignments, print screen the windows blue screen of death and make that appear every time the TA runs your program correcting and running properly after a few seconds ( you don't want to get Zero do you ). Extra fun/points if you assignments are Linux based.

6. Declare really really really really really really long variable and function names.

5. If your assignment is due at 11:59 Pm, then send it at 11:58 Pm and bombard the TA's mailbox with 70 mails saying, and I quote "Did ya get it". Keep repeating this and other mails like "I am wondering if you got my previous mails" or "since I haven't heard from you, I am assuming that you haven't gotten my mail, so find it attached".

4. Send print copies of code with no indentation and no supporting binaries, and if executables are compulsory make sure you burn them on a blue ray disk or 3inch floppy disks.

3. On text assignments, quote famous people in the IT industry as, "Steve Jobs defines Fork function call as the following.." or "Gates considers multithreading better than multi processes because". Go one up by quoting them from movies and incidences involving them.

2. Check online for various courses you have already taken in your undergrad, go sit in few of those classes, just send the TA a completed assignment without you being officially part of the class.

1. This is how you should go about writing your assignment, write a batch file which will create a shell script which will run a perl script which generates a c file which depending on your mood could be the program required by the assignment or if you are feeling evil could generate another shell script which generates a perl script……

 

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.

Will you marry me?

Well, this bit is part fiction, part fantasy and a part based on a real life story. Any resemblance to anyone living or buried might not be as coincidental as you might think.

“AAAAggghhh” he screamed when she slapped him half across the floor. The marks of her tiny fingers making, what seemed to him, to be deep gorges on his unshaven face. He had never once been slapped before, let alone by someone he adored. He had been planning for this moment for a long time now, and had thought of every possible course of action, taken every step to ensure a perfect evening, and a perfect end to the evening. Pity, head gears wasn’t on his planned agenda.

He met her a few years ago at a bungee jumping event, he was the safety instructor and it was her first time. He still remembers how she trembled before she leaped off the edge, the only reason she did was ‘cause he said he’ll buy her a hot cup of coffee at Starbucks if she survived the fall. Well he was joking of course, anything to take her mind from the few hundred feet of free fall, there was no way he’d meet her again, the safety crew at the bottom would dust what’s left of the lifetime memory of her pants and he’d get back to promising hot beverages to the never ending line of people.
She screamed her lungs out, and then a breath later, once more. Finally, with her feet firmly secured to the ground, she swore never to let herself be tortured like this again.
“And the area code is 216” she said when he was attaching the safety harness to her yet again, and this time she jumped, life at stake, with a lunch and a coffee promise.

“Hey, dude” he said when he called one of his friends, “Of the four C’s for a diamond which one of them is Cost?”.
“Ha Ha, wait, are you serious?”
“Yeah, been thinking of this for a while now. So want to join me ring shopping”
“Absolutely, congrats man, she’s one lucky girl. Am so happy for you guys”
“ Thanks, I am so excited, now all we need to do is figure out the cut, the carats, the clarity and the color.”
“Dude, women are not shallow and don’t look for all that in a ring, for them it’s a constant reminder of their loved one, and his commitment to their love. It represents their belonging to someone and the emotional bond they share. It doubles as photo album storing memories of all the good times and the bad,
It is more about the promise you make of your journey together rather than your carats or cuts”
“Yeah Right!!” they said in unison as they decided a place and time for their shopping trip.

A million ideas from his close friends for that perfect proposal, he knew what she’d love most. A quiet evening at home, lying in his arms. She was never the outgoing person, very quiet and laidback. For her, life was this mystical thing, like the shadowed part of the crescent moon, she was content with the smallest of the smallest things. She never had a perfect day she could tell her grandkids, so he had to make this one big. Thus began the preparation for that one night, when the two became one.
He knew she’d always like to play some game after dinner before they watch a movie. He stole all the letters needed to spell ‘will you marry me’ in case she wanted to play scrabble, he modified the top chance and community chest cards to read out the same in case she was in the mood for monopoly and so he went on, altering all games they could possible play to suit his needs.
He made a cd for the player with a slideshow of their photos, right from the bungee jumping days till now, the funny comments about her hair, the remarks about her short height compared to his gigantic self. And ending the snaps with a perfect photoshopped image of them in wedding attires in an alter right besides the ocean and the caption reading his mind.
He’d been taking dancing lessons, so when his friend, the local RJ, played their song as a dedication to them both, and she looked at him with those eyes gleaming for him to take her to the middle of the living room and dance away, he wouldn’t have to say no like always.
He came back home early from work and set on what was left of his master plan; he cooked her favorite dishes, funny how the most common of the dishes was her favorite, he still had to email his mom for the recipe though. He set the table for two, the scented candles all ready to be lit. His friend just called and confirmed the song and a give-me-a-missed-call-when-she-says-yes notice; he planned to run a ‘Lovers Paradise’ section tonight on radio. He lit the candles to aromatize the room.
Then the doors opened, she was early, a man wrapped around her lips. She didn’t expect to see him there. ( What? You don’t like this? What did you expect from a story from someone like me?? Ok ok, ignore the last line then.. I’ll move on with my love story.. though it would be great if you would let me continue on the cheating bitch direction. Spoil Sport. )

She called him, said she was stuck at work. ( you still think she is cheating on him, don’t you. If it helps he’s hot, funny, tall, attractive, smart and rich with good hair. What’s wrong with you negative people?? How can you think this about this sweetheart of a girl? She’s like a kid, well, He does treat her like a kid, and in a way she is, she loved him way too much, so much that even a poem wouldn’t describe. )
She said she has to entertain a few clients at the restaurant by the lake and wouldn’t be home for dinner. He was crushed, all the planning for nothing, another day then.
She called him a sometime later, said it’s was an early dinner and wondered if he could pick her up. He was halfway there before she could finish asking him.
He stepped in the restaurant on the lakeside of Lake Erie, not a soul there, just a table near the window with a lit candle and a gift box. He read the card, it just said “Love You”. ( NO, she didn’t not leave him and run away, will you people STOP thinking about her like that, she’s an angel. She’s just waiting for him to open the gift. Come on who else books a whole restaurant for one dinner on a random night? )
She hugs him from behind; he almost decks her to the floor (Guys and their reflex actions). She wishes him a happy birthday, and he’s confused cause his birthday is more than a month away. “Yeah silly, I know” she replies. “but then it wont be a surprise will it?”.
“So, I guess I get two gifts then huh?” he says opening the gift.
After a more than perfect evening next to the lake with the fireplace keeping them warm and with its cracking sound every time there was silence in the room when they kissed, they drive home stuffed with food.
He opened the doors only remembering his master plan for the night; she sees the table set, radio running, with the candle halfway through its life.
“Never leave a fire unattended” screams her army upbringing.
“What about the thousand times you leave it in the bathroom so close to those shower curtains” he complains.
She asked why he didn’t tell her that he’d planned something too, he honestly said that he completely forgot with the sight of her and the vastness of waters next to him. She sits down, napkin on the lap,
“So waiter, what is tonight’s special”
“What?? You can’t possibly eat another bite. You ate more than a baby elephant at the restaurant”
“Don’t expect much tip Sir” she says as she serves herself the food laid out. “You are crazy you know, don’t complain when you wake up with a severe stomach problem tomorrow” he says smiling while warming the remainder of the food.
“Yes, your food does get my stomach upset a lot” she says giggling her favorite wine down her throat.

“So which movie are we watching tonight” she asks while settling down in the sofa. “How about Rush hour” he says while wondering about the wasted time altering the games. “How about titanic” she says.
They’ve probably watched that stupid movie like a thousand time. “No way, let compromise, how about Shrek”. Finally after a run down of last years top ten at the box office for all categories. She challenges him to a game of hangman, winner gets to pick.
So after half an hour of guessing ‘The Truman Show’ ‘ Forest Gump’ ‘Apocalypse now’ ‘Pretty Woman’.
He finally writes down this as he puts the cd on the player while she thinks. After all her chances and after the man was dead and hanging. She asked, ok, what is it?
He bends down, takes out that ring from his pocket, opens the box and says
“Will you marry me?”






He rubs his face and its red, he’s surprised. And in pain, he looks at her confused. His eyes asking why.
She replies “Firstly, for the fact that you even had to ask. Secondly, that confused look on your face after you asked, like the answer was anything but a hell yeah!. And last but not the least, that’s not even a movie, cheater!”
“So you want this or what” he teases her showing her that diamond. He puts it on her finger as she admires his photoshop skills. “We don’t need an expensive wedding now, you can use your skills to put our faces on celebrity wedding images” she kids while they hear his friends voice from the radio, “Tonight there’s a special moment here, I know this couple for a long long time now, well they are my best friends, both wanted me to dedicate a song for the other. Everything was set, they were supposed to give me a missed call when they wanted their song played. Funny part is, they both called it ‘their’ song, but both songs were different. Anyway, neither of those morons called me yet. She was surprising him for his birthday and he was proposing. So either the wuss backed out, or she said no which I don’t think is possible, or maybe they both are waiting for the other to show up for their surprise. Hey, I couldn’t ruin their surprises so I kept shut”.
“Wait till I tell him you slapped me” he cut in.
“Since I promised I’ll play these songs for them tonight, I’ll will keep that up and play them for the two love birds, hope you all enjoy them. Thanks for listening; I will see you same time tomorrow night. Until then, let love keep us alive.”
She looks at him, as Lionel Richie fills the room with ‘Stuck on you’, with those eyes again, he takes her to the middle of the room, holds her close and sings along in her ear as they danced to the tune. A moment later they are on the couch tongue tied as “their” second song plays on the airwaves ( frequency modulated ).
“ ‘Come a little closer’ is so not our song” he complains…
“It is now” she says with the ring gleaming on her fingers and as the candle melts its way down..
And as the song ends with the Dierks singing ‘Come a little closer baby, I feel like laying you down.’, she pulls his face away, looks deep into his eyes.
He knows she wants to say something, so he asks what.
With her piercing eyes still stuck on him, the candle just burning out, in the sudden darkness, she says “Honey, you do know that you aren’t supposed to use blanks for punctuations in hangman right?”

A mate She sought in He.

I was chatting last night with someone who has a poetic strand in her DNA. Well she inspired me to explore my hidden talents.
So here's my attempt,

A mate She sought in He.

Two parts of stone, never meant to be,
Like bricks like clay, lay astrayed indeed.

Two hearts two souls, too much too soon,
Crushed to pieces, all set to doom.

One ring one touch, one hope she sought.
A parting letter was all she got.

She cried all night, and then all day.
Little she knew, he'd end up gay.

Oh, Come on!! Like you could have resisted that ending.

It's better to burn cut out, than to fade fall away..

And it was that time of the month again, hair combing minutes featuring in the late 20's, spray's, gels, conditioners, shampoos taking most of my research allowance, a good snow day ending up looking like a bad case of dandruff. Measures have to be taken my friend, and a hair cut it was.

With my experiences as a civilized being ( inspite of what other seem to think ) i have taken the privilege of getting many a cut, and some might think that with this kind of experience i'd be good at it by now. We'll have to wait and find out.

Going to a trendy hair salon, trendy enough that they have a computer to store all customer details like preferred style I am asked if i have a booking. Being the in-the-moment kinda person, I just roll my eyes(almost) at the thought that I would need to make a reservation for a haircut, then remembering that my future look and any chance for holy matrimony would be determined by the next few moments of behavioral patterns, i change my eye-roll to a look up and wonder pose.

Lucky for me the person scheduled for 6pm didn't turn up, so in the chair, the stylist glances over the computer and says "The usual huh?".

People think i am way too predictable, like they think that when i say i'll be ready in 15 min, i actually take 45, or the way the cafeteria's chef starts making my order before i've placed it. So wanting to turn into a new leaf, i say something incoherent that sounded more or less like "surprise me!".

I then realized that 'surprise' is quite a relative term, while i might have meant, surprise me in the "Oh my god, wow" my-heart-skipped-a-beat way, i probably never bargained for "OH MY -beep- GOD, What the -beep-?, are you a -beeping- intern here?" heart-stopping way.

Anyway, after a lot of gel and some nice sprays i left, head held high.

Cause any lower and I could have gotten arrested for carrying an assault weapon, the spikes looked dangerous.

"And this is how Uncle G.W got the spikes" is what my friends would tell their kids, showing snaps. Naa, thats not happening, so before that nights party, i used two layers of gel and sprays to get the monster down.

Fact is a grad students budget for hair gel is far far lower than a hair salon's ( with computers to record hair style preferences ), and i obviously don't have to explain my smart readers about spring actions ( not smart? read appendix B ). So halfway through the party, the salons gel won.
Many a person complimented me on my shoes ( which incidentally went unnoticed for a week prior).
Guess we can attribute it to hair, it shifts focus to the farthest point possible.
Come to think of it, its not that bad, but still no, No pictures! Next time i'll stick to the 'usual', which in the stupid computer would now read SPIKES.

Ask me about my vow of silence.

Okay, ages back when the sun was in its dwarf stage and the people were friendly and the food was good I did an experiment with the one tool i have which is properly insured, me.

To catch up if you missed the first part, click "Das Experiment".

Formula used ( umm, made up ) –

Accuracy value = No of correct questions answered correctly * 2.46 + 0.345

Time value = Actual time taken for 10 questions in minutes

Brain value = ( ( accuracy value ) / ( time value ) ) * 82.34

Brain power = (Brain value / Initial brain value ) taken on a scale of 10

Exceptions –

As a “normal” human, the body does need some minimum rest, so tabulate the hours slept, and subtract the value from total awake hours.

Graphs and plots –

Observations -

I spent over 4 days without sleep (well basically very little sleep) with more than 75% of accuracy levels than my initial start. It did go down in the middle ( day three ) but I did sleep longer then ( 3 hours ) and was back up to full potential.

Surprising how versatile the human body is.

So what did happen in those 90 odd hours without sleep ( <>

1. I stalled my car in the middle of the road and a motorist rammed into my car.

2. I paid 900 Rs to this guy I owed 853 rupees, he asked for 3 rs change, I said I didn’t have. But I did have a 50 Rs note, I gave him that and took 3 rs from him.

Honestly, I didn’t realize this till hours later in office, trust me, the weird looks he gave me also didn’t give me any clues.

3. I got lost near my house, inspite of living there for 2 years.

4. I was deciding whether to take a left turn into a parking lot or go on straight, and I couldn’t decide quickly enough, lets just say, that’s one hit and run case I want to forget fast. ( to be completely honest, that was a white car, and I barely scraped it, I mean compared to the scratch on my car the one on that car was nothing )

5. I bought my friends lunch ( expensive ) for no reason.

6. I hit a pole with my car.

7. I was genuinely worried for no apparent reason.

8. I made good friends with people on the night shift..

9. Amazingly no bugs at work during the experiment stages, come to think of it, I don’t know what I did.

90 odd hours awake, long lasting friendships, remarkable brain power... Apart from the three car accidents I had, and the experiment costs(in coffees, lunch and stupid calculations) going way above expected, I present you with the results…

Results –

I am smart, you probably aren't. Have a great day.

Oh and don’t try this at home.

And I haven’t touched my car ever since.

Don’t tell anyone this, it was my dad’s car, and he’s not in station. Yet another reason to write anonymously.

Golden Words

Proficiency at Pool depicts a wasted childhood.

Or that’s what every one of my dad’s friends used to say to me when I used to beat them 5 frames in a row, I often wanted to say “Lucky for me, I was good when I was a child as well”… This generally used to make me think, elders are such sore losers. They just couldn’t take the fact that a kid beat them. Let alone clobber them left right and upside down. The only thing worse than losing to a kid is losing to a kid and tripping over the bottle of beer and ending up screaming ‘This isn’t over’ while the wife takes you away to the rest room to wash the bleeding nose.

“Maybe I can beat the brat at Chess” he says, “ I mean how smart can he be” .

“Would you just let it go, now look up else you will spoil your new shirt with blood stains”

You wouldn’t know how much fun it is beating a drunk at a game of chess. And little did he know that I was junior school champ at chess. Well it wasn’t a formal event, people just started calling me that when I beat my 7^th grade math teacher 3 times in a row. And she claimed to be a “State Champion”. Suddenly the day after the ‘defeat’ she took maternity leave. And although she was fat, I couldn’t have sworn she wasn’t pregnant.

More than the joy of winning is the fun at recollecting the excuses people come up with after losing to a kid,

“ I had something on my mind” “Hey, you cheated” “I wasn’t wearing my glasses” “No one makes money winning a stupid game of chess” “I couldn’t see the ball” “Its getting dark” “I think you should spend more time studying” “I let you win”

“hey” says the wife “how’s the game going, you guys done?”

“yes honey, can we have lunch yet, or are you going to nag us with your questions, what do you know about snooker anyway”

“Okay ok, I get it,” she says with a wink towards me “who lost? “

“Its me ok, I lost, happy, now bring out the damn grub”

“Its I” I corrected.

Big mistake, I stopped playing with ‘elders’ after one such conversation

I Love Formatting My Comp - The Book, is currently on hold till i get things straightened out and till more interesting things happen in my boring life.

Don't judge a book by its movie...

I Love Formatting My Comp

The book, coming soon.. for more information visit www.iloveformattingmycomp.com

p.s - Updates on this blog will be discontinued till the book is out...

Golden Words - The Writer.
www.iloveformattingmycomp.com - The Book.
iloveformattingmycomp.blogspot.com - The Blog.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

As usual, I was up to no good, too much free time and the devils workshop in action, I decided to conduct this experiment.
Since I didn’t want to waste any of my ‘hard’ earned money and buy expensive props for an experiment, I chose to run experiments on the one thing I ‘got’ for free,

The experiment began on a cold winter morning, come to think of it, it wasn’t that cold, but a warm summer day makes me picture nice beaches and the closest beach from where I am is about a nights’ journey away. And that is always a depressing thought.
The experiment is quite simple,

Thesis – I can stay awake for a long period of time with minimal sleep and low loss of mental power.

Requirements - A set of mathematical questions, a stop clock, Graph plotter loads of coffee and good company.

Assumptions –
1. I have an initial mental power.

Procedure –
1. Solve a set of 10 mathematical questions taken randomly from a pool of many questions. Note the exact time taken and the accuracy of the answers. Enter this data into the plotter ( I used a pirated version of offi¢e* )
* This is a low cost experiment remember?
2. Keep repeating this every two hours and tabulate the results.
3. Record unusual happenings during the experiment for further analysis.
4. Create a fictitious formula for calculations, as any experiment that doesn’t involve the use of your scientific calculator is, well, time wasted.
5. When brain power falls to 75% of initial power, stop the experiment.
6. Show off to your friends how long you can stay awake without having to sleep like general humans.


Part 2 ... coming soon. real soon....